you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can you bring me the toilet please
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
