Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
