The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
