Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
