I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
