You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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