You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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