Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Where is the hickey?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is Oprah even human
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
