I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
