Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
