quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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