Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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