tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
