my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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