My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
