i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
