i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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