On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
