he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
