I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
