Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
