She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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