I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
