What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
