grandma shit on top of the toilet
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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