if you like me you must not know who I am
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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