Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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