I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
