Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
