happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
