I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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