My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
