no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
