My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
