is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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