Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
