sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
