somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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