my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
