Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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