im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
