I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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