Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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