4 words: hood of his car
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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