I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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