When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
