I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
