I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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