Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
