no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
