Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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