I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
